life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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