that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
