We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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