Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
