There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
