I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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