"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
