I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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