i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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