piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
