dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
