I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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