All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
