I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
