My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
