Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
