I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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