That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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