she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
