Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
