I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
