Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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