first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
