If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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