Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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