Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
