There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize