I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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