Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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