The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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