I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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