I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
