why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize