I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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