He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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