the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
