my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
