Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
