We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
