Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
