I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize