I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
