I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
