Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
