i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
