She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My cat gives me a boner
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
