oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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