i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
