Betty ford says i'm here all night
This house was built for laser tag.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
