My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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