shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
