I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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