Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
