i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
