i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
