You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
