I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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